If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
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So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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