Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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