i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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