I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
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