and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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