I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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