I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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