your thong is hanging out like whoa
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
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Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
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You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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