i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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