I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize