You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
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You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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