Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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