Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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