just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
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I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
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Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The feeling are messing with the penis
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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