ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
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You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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