I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
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All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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