I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
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Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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