there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
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When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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