He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
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Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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