dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
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And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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