Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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