1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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