and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
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Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
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I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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