you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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