Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
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Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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