shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
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Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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