I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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