it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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