i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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