the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
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Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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