That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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