your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
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Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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