Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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