homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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