That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
God I need to hump something, right now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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