I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
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i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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