come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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