I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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