Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
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It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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