Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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