I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
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He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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