Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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