Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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