I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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