Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize