I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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