You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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