your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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