He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
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I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I did not marry a roomba.
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