I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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